Oklahomosapien

We need words that work.

2010-10-14T21:25:00.000-07:00

Most of my 20s was spend doing what most Christians call “cross-cultural ministry” or “missionary work.” Some of it was spent in Italy, but for the most part I was based in areas of the former-Yugoslavia. It was completely relationship based work, getting to know people so I that I could share the Christian faith with them. Although I enjoyed what I did, my mind always wandered towards much of what I was taught that said to take care of the poor, the orphans, the widows, the marginalized, etc. To be honest, the vast majority of missionary work doesn’t do much more for these people than just share some good words with them, and the worldly needs (related to survival) they have remain mostly unmet.

Last year a good friend of mine asked me to come with him to Haiti to see what kind of work was going on. I was teaching high school in the States at the time and since it was summer I said I’d be glad to go down for a couple weeks. I now realize that he was secretly tricking me into moving there and all it was going to take was me going down to catch a glimpse of the real-world needs people had. Even though this was pre-earthquake, I had never been anywhere where daily survival was such an ominous task. The earthquake has compounded and created many of the difficulties that Haitian are dealing with today, but on my first visit I realized the severity of a problem that I had heard about many times but never really payed much attention to: dirty water. As we traveled throughout the country I noticed that people were carrying buckets and jugs everywhere we went. Kids walk for miles and hours each day going back and forth to water sources, women spend much of their day doing laundry down at the nearest stream or river, men herd the few animals they have down to the local watering hole. As I started to learn more about this, I realized that these scarce water sources are all shared for the same purposes: the kids are getting the family drinking water from the place where laundry is being done where the animals are drinking and defecating, and to top all of that, every time it rains all chemicals, trash, poorly designed septic systems, etc. wash directly into this exposed drinking supply. It was during this trip that I realized there can be no meaningful good talks without meaningful good works.

Early last summer I sold my house and most of my belongings and am now 3 months into an indefinite stay in Haiti. I’m helping to head up the Haiti Water Project (haitiwaterproject.com) and it is our goal to get every Haitian clean, easily accessible water. I'd love to see no more kids spending their days getting water instead of getting to go to school. No more skin infections because of a bath in an unhealthy river. No more people dying from diarrhea caused by drinking parasite-riddled water. This is where our good ideas, our Gospel words, need to be transformed into lives that put into real-life the words we’ve been sharing for so long.

Are we suppossed to be smart?

2010-03-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

Much of my education was of the theological sort (basically pastor/priest school). But I've had issues with it along the way and recently I think I've started to understand why. I'd like to share with you something I wrote down a few Sundays back as I tried to answer why I've struggled with the Church for several years:

"Does a person need to be intelligent/educated to be Christian? We have certainly made it seem so.

A way with words and a hand at business will make you appear to be one with God.

But isn't it love that brings us to Him?

Aren't we taught that words that aren't lived-out aren't worth the hot air they came out on?

Don't teachings universally say that money will only lead us down the wrong path, eventually ending in destruction?

A mentally retarded man living a life of love is a better picture of Christ to me than an educated, self-proclaimed man of God who knows how to manipulate the hearts of men but doesn't realize that he isn't 'first.'"

We love to put smart people and people good with money at the heads of our Christian organizations. The passionate servants are often seen as too radical, and therefore not to be trusted with precious $$$$.

That's why we need to start over. Forget the "business" models of faith. Be simple. Just love. It's enough.

Pushing Perspective

2010-01-14T20:14:00.000-08:00

My students tell me I'm a perfect candidate for FML.com (If you don't know what that is, don't look it up). They seem to think I have the worst luck, starting off with the several unsuccessful knee surgeries of the past year. Last Saturday another great event happened to add to my story and their entertainment. I came home to find that a pipe in my upstairs bathroom froze and then burst, filling up the area between the two floors until the first floor ceiling came crashing down, bringing with it enough water to flood the entire area. I called my insurance, and within hours there was a crew there ripping up all of my floors, tearing down the remaining ceiling, and filling the house with drying equipment. Great. Time to move back in with my parents.

Each day since then I have returned to see that crews have deemed it necessary to remove more and more of the inner structure of my house in order to stop the spread of moisture and ultimately mold. I haven't seen destruction like this since I worked with a demo crew after Katrina, and this is just from one measly pipe! As many of you know, I've been planning to put my house on the market very soon and use my earnings to move to Haiti and drill clean water wells. Tuesday night brought devastating news of an earthquake, and I realized that many of the people I hoped to be with would possibly not be around. The sadness I was experiencing as a result of be inconvenienced by a temporarily unlivable house was quickly replaced by shame as I realized I still had everything, and that I my temporary losses were nothing compared to those that I will soon be joining.

Yesterday morning I received a call from my insurance agent saying that they wanted to put me up in a hotel, and when I arrived I realized I was about to stay in the nicest place ever, and that I wouldn't pay a dime. I watched the Haitian tragedy on the nice flat screen tv until about 2am, trying to sleep but mostly feeling guilt for being born so fortunate and helpless for not being able to be of immediate aid to these people. This morning at school one of my rowdier students told me she wanted to make me proud, and when she went to cash her check at the bank (I'm pretty sure she works as much as I do, but after attending a full day of high school) she donated $200 to the people of Haiti.

I try to end most of my posts with some statement that pulls it all together, a nice closing statement. Well, I don't have one here. In the past few days my point of view has changed many times, and as I process these events, I'm sure I'll end up being pushed to yet another place of discovery and awe. I still have much to learn about this life.

2009-11-26T09:27:00.000-08:00

I wrote a Thanksgiving blog entry for the Haiti Water Project. Read it once you're done eating and are feeling bloated and guilty.

http://www.haitiwaterproject.com/

Bond vs Bourne vs me.

2009-11-17T15:49:00.000-08:00

A recent conversation with a friend reminded me of an aspiration I once had, and it's still something that I find very intriguing: being a spy. We talked about the Bourne trilogy and how it would be awesome to be like that character in real life (although maybe minus the memory problems). One of my favorite movies as a kid was Condorman, he was sort of Disney's version of James Bond. I loved Clint Eastwood westerns, stories where some loner wandered into town at just the right time to win the heart of a local beauty, but once he rid the town of the bad guy his mangled heart wouldn't let him stay. I wanted to be like these guys, the one that bad guys fear yet secretly envy. The one that fights for a cause greater than himself, a cause that almost always sought to liberate the oppressed.

As I got older and began to travel to and work in different parts of the world, my dreams almost seemed like they could one day become reality. I found I was great with languages, was able to blend into cultures in such a way that sometimes it took a while for people to realize I wasn't a local, and actually had some people accuse me of being a spy (what better disguise than working for a Christian humanitarian organization?). But it just wasn't in me, I didn't want to live a life of deceit, I didn't want to kill. In fact, more than anything I wanted to help people find life.

Daily I'm reminded about how governments always seem to come up short, people are losing their lives because of the simplest of things, and these things are readily available and just need to be put in the right hands. We have everything the people of the world need (I wrote more about this in my Sept 14 blog) but we are failing to get the job done. We dream of being spies, toppling governments, and setting the world straight, but most of that really will just remain a dream. The world doesn't need more people chasing the romantic ideas of becoming the next Jason Bourne, the world needs more regular people like you and me to simply get out there and give more of our non-spy, non-superhero selves.

If you follow me on Facebook you've likely seen that this week I have created a birthday wish link on my page. I know I'll never be a spy, but I know of a way to help the people of another nation. The people of Haiti are in desperate need of clean water (amongst many, many other things) and we as regular people can really conquer this problem if we will actually take the time to give of ourselves and not just talk about giving. Next summer I hope to move to Haiti to to help the cause, and donations sent to the Haiti Water Project will help people in a way that most of us could never imagine without seeing it first hand. If you've ever dreamed of helping the people of another land with some special ability that you have, there is no better nor more worthy opportunity than this. Your ability to give to those in need is worth far more than your ability to kill with your bare hands will ever be...

More than a letter.

2009-11-02T20:00:00.000-08:00

Last week, the school that I teach at ended it's first quarter and that means one thing: report cards. There is a sense of power as you check over your grade books, knowing that the percentage that you send in will either cause great joy or pain in the lives of the young people you spend a great amount of time with each day. I know that many people believe that there is some infallible system out there that gives each person the exact grade that they deserve, but I must break the bad news to you and say that it just isn't so. It's not too inconceivable that a teacher could just make up any grade they want and find ample reasons to justify failing or passing anyone they wish. I'm sure you're wondering if I've ever done this....

....and the answer is "No." But it does cross my mind the four times a year that I must submit grades. Too be honest, I hate the whole process. The kids I work with are impossible to describe in terms of one of the five letters I must assign to them. Is anyone worth a C any more or less than the next person an A or F? Each person I encounter is valuable in terms that can't be measured by memorizing and regurgitating on to a test. As I fill out grade sheets I tend to dwell on each person and think about them as an individual. As I add percentages up and give a letter grade to a name I am saddened a little each time it just doesn't quite add up to an "A." I imagine home lives, comments made throughout the year, the looks on faces during moments of revelation, and wonder if life has dealt them something maybe a little less than a fair hand.

So often we measure people by how much they produce, what they have, and where they come from. We say whether they have more or less worth based solely on the grade they get in a class. In my mind, those grades, what they produce, their belongings, and their background should mean nothing when assessing value. But I live in a world where it is my job to tell a kid that they haven't done well enough, even when I know they've done the best they can with what they have. Maybe it's time I move on to something else where that which I give has more to do with fulfilling needs rather than arbitrary worth (or lack-of).

New + Fast > Old + Slow?

2009-10-20T20:27:00.000-07:00

I often like to take a long-cut on my drive to and from work. It doesn't take me much longer but it allows me to drive next to a river, a large lake teeming with birds, and my favorite, an old bridge. This old bridge is part of old Route 66 and was mentioned in the Grapes of Wrath. Something about it's history makes it a little more special to me and somehow life seems a little better when I get to drive past it. I say drive past it because it is now closed to traffic. Sometime last year it was blocked off and I suppose that it's in need of repair. Back in the days that it was open I would often get off of "new" 66 just so I could drive over the old bridge, usually stopping halfway to take it all in and imagine a different time, a time when it was a modern marvel and people were pleased with how much easier it made their lives. If this were the main mode of getting across the North Canadian River today, thousands of vehicles a day would be backed up waiting to cross an area that is today easily traversed at 55+ mph. People would totally flip out as they were being delayed from inhaling their next fast food meal.

We sure do love things to get done quickly these days. We care very little about the journey, can't wait for the process to be finished, and aren't be satisfied until the "doing" is done. But it seems that once it's all been achieved we are rushing on to the next thing, starting and finishing in a manner just like the last. It's want, want, want, and as quick as can be done is rarely quick enough.

Part of me wonders if we'd be better off if somehow we were forced to live in ages long passed, maybe even during a time before cool old bridges. We'd be forced to see life at a pace that would drive us crazy today, but we'd notice the details that are impossible to see at highway speeds. Our one hour drives would now take at least a day, our fast food meals would have to be replaced by slow simmering patience. We couldn't hurry, technology wouldn't exist to make that possible. Most people cringe when I talk to them of such things, but I see a sparkle in their eyes when I begin to talk about the benefits. If our lives were to slow down, if we didn't spend our lives in our separated-from-the-world living spaces, if we didn't confine ourselves to our traveling isolation boxes, we might actually have real relationships. Not to say we don't, but I don't think our idea of being close to someone is anything like it was back in a time where there were no radios and portable internet to keep our minds in a self-absorbed solo-state even when surrounded by others.

I love the old bridge. But even it, which today is considered to be not much more than ancient art, was a sign that we were starting to speed up our lives so that we could fit more and more in to them. But instead of quality, it brought quantity. Instead of really knowing people, we know what their status update says they are having for dinner. I'm starting to make myself feel guilty, and I'd probably see if any of my Facebook friends wanted to go for a walk and get some ice cream if I wasn't dying to watch this show I Tivo'd...

Wrong Turns and Surprises

2009-10-05T19:54:00.000-07:00

This weekend a good friend who works in various parts of the world came for a visit and I had a chance to spend time talking with him about good old times, present struggles, and future hopes. As I was about to leave the small town where he grew up, we sat on the hood of my car and talked about where we were heading next in life. I sat there and thought about the roads we'd been down and about the detours that brought us to know each other. It was in this town that I hit what for many years seemed like a dead-end to the route I wanted for my life.

As the years have gone by I've learned that the events and experiences of my past have made me who I am and without them, yes even the ones that seemed to "take" the things I loved, my life would never have become this thing for which I am very thankful for. Reflection tells me that I never really lost anything, it seems as if doors were opened up that I never would have noticed if I wasn't forced to slow down and observe the world from a new perspective. In the end I gained things that I never knew existed.

Once I left, I decided to take a "long cut" down a winding country highway. It took me past old homestead farms, a town destroyed by a tornado and rebuilt not long after, a man walking a goat in a sweater, and a long forgotten luxury railcar. I began to think about the detours that had come up in my own journey, and how I never would have experienced so much of what makes me who I am if those side-excursions had never come about. I thanked God for things I once cursed Him for, and asked that if He has any more unexpected turns in my future that He at least throw in another goat in a sweater so I can take a picture next time.

The Root of America's Woes.

2009-09-28T15:51:00.000-07:00

No, it's not healthcare, the economy, immigration, nor drug use. It's not obesity, race-relations, terrorism, nor climate change. I believe that the greatest issue facing the American people is the cause of many of those things. It is something that the President rarely addresses and there probably won't be any special sessions called to cover the issue. The thing that is hurting us the most is the American family. Or should I say, the lack of.

It's not my intention to provide you with statistics; you can find those easily enough from more qualified and credible sources elsewhere if that's what you want. What I want to do is argue that the high rate of broken families in America is leading to it's demise. Most of us probably know nearly as many families that have ended in divorce or separation as we do those that have stayed together. And even more so, most of the families around us are choosing to have their kids raised by adults on tv, movies, the internet, or video games.

I teach high school Sociology, which gives me an opportunity to have students discuss what it's like to be a young American. It's a class in which we discuss all areas of social relationships, cultures, socialization, etc., and in the end I probably benefit more from it that they do. The conclusion they often come to is that America is much different than it used to be, and even though there is much less hardship and much more technology than in the decades past, life isn't necessarily better. For most of human history, adults of the family and community passed down customs, values, and beliefs to the young, as they were aware that the young didn't come equipped with all that is necessary if one was to continue living in a stable society. But things have changed, and those that have produced the families aren't sticking around to instill the customs, values, and beliefs that are so essential to successful living. Instead, the young are being taught that immediate gratification, constant entertainment, entitlement, and moving-on-when-things-don't-feel-so-good is the way that life is to be lived. Sure, we say all of the right things, but words lose their meaning when the lives that back them up are constantly contradictory.

My students tell me that a 5 year old could easily survive alone these days as long there is food and a microwave within arm's reach. That, combined with a plethora of entertainment options (all produced by adults, and therefore trustworthy in the eyes of children) are enough to grow up on. Many of my students tell me that they were raised in a similar manner, and in the same sentence will tell me that's not how we were meant to survive. These 16-18 year-olds tell me that they'd rather die at 50 with a loving family and great friendships than live to be 85 and mostly alone but with all the entertainment technology that money can buy.

It's unfortunate that in the end they won't follow their own advise, and their kids will probably end up a lot like the generation that raised them: parentless children raised by peers and mass-entertainment.

I should've been a farmer.

2009-09-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

"I should've been a farmer. Since the day I was born, I should have been a farmer. I love chickens and pigs ans ducks. I'm kind of fond of nanny goats, I am." That's one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies, The Natural. It fits because I often feel that way, I sometimes regret that I grew up near LA and have spent most of my life in cities of a million+ people.

On weekends you'll often find me out in the middle of nowhere attending a farm auction. Rarely do I buy anything, there aren't many opportunities for me to put an electric fence, windmill, or sheep shears to use where I live. Once in a while I'll get lucky and find a giant tub of ancient license plates or a rusty moped that I'll take on as a project, but most of the time I'm just there for the drive down dusty roads and for the people I get to watch and listen to once I get there.There's just something different about country folk. As I look around at these auctions, I see the original recyclers. These people can make anything work with a little bailing wire, and they probably invented duct tape. They bid on field equipment, home furnishings, relics from the past, and most of the time will actually put these things to use. I look at these people and see strong, scarred, leathery hands, deep facial wrinkles, worn overalls, and old farm supply hats that sit way too high on their heads. But something about these people just tells you that they've got life figured out way more than us urbanites do. They all seem to know and are friendly with each other, drive trucks because they need too (not because it makes you look tough), and seem quite content with the simplest things. While I'm often looking at my phone checking the latest nonsense updates from people I barely know, they are silently observing the quality of the soil, the distant sky, or likely thinking about how they've got a fence to mend.

I think that if I was a farmer that my life would seem, well, productive. I'd be toiling with the land and animals that feed off of the land in hopes of producing sustenance for people that need it to survive. I don't think anything I do with my life right now has that kind of bearing. The "problems" that I have each day would most likely almost completely disappear. It would just be me and the land, and my sore back would be evidence each day that I actually did something. At dinner Ma would gather our 10 kids and put down the finest cornbread you ever tasted (corn that I grew). OK, enough dreaming, time to get back to whatever point I was attempting to make. All in all, the country life just seems simple and romantic, and the things I encounter on each drive I take never cease to amaze me. Just yesterday as I was leaving the dirt road pictured above, a cropduster buzzed me and then flew alongside me. At least I thought it was for me. I then realized that he was just doing what needed to be done on the farm for the day, no time for wistful "long-cuts" through the country (that's what I call my back-road adventures). These are a no-nonsense people. People that still value words and the handshakes that accompany them. They're a breed that raises a family once they've created it, and will do everything they can to help out a neighbor family that has fallen on hard times.

I wish we were all a little more like them, the people that will never read this because they're too busy doing things that actually matter. We'd probably all be at least a little happier and a little closer to what we were originally intended to be. So next time you see my car and notice it covered in red dust, you know I've just been spending a little time trying to get to know the people I want to be more like.

(Video of my cropdusting kamikaze)

While the world wastes...we waste

2009-09-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

We have it all. Really, we have everything we need. Heck, we've got everything they need. I really don't know of anyone in this country that doesn't have enough to survive, and that with excess. I've worked and lived with the homeless of America, and even most of them had enough to be warm, be fat, and still have enough for a little side entertainment. So why are so many in the world struggling to find enough calories to keep their bodies functioning properly, hard pressed to have shoes that keep the parasites out, and not able to access water that doesn't make their lives worse in the end?

We have the answer to their problems. We have enough "stuff" to solve almost everything. Survival isn't a question for 99% of us in America, but still we constantly gripe about the economy, and even when times are good our focus remains on getting more and more to add to the excess that we already have. All the while, there are people out there, people we know about, people we daily discuss in our social groups, who actually need help. We talk about helping them, we pray for them, we make movies about them, we distribute literature about them, but in the end they rarely become more than thoughts to us. What is it that has turned us into a people of word but not of action?

What if we sold everything and gave it to the poor? I remember a story where Jesus told a guy that the key to him finding what we was looking for was to do just that, sell everything and give the proceeds to those that needed it. If we have become like anyone, we have become like this guy. We want the key to having a successful life, but we question the wisdom that says to get rid of everything if you want to find it. Isn't money the evidence of success? You may be saying "no" but are you living that which you're saying? It's that much harder when the church that taught us what to believe is living as though money and status equal success and not living love as the key.

Yes, it is all that simple. Love your neighbor. Give yourself to the poor. We have the answer. We have what they need. Now all we have to do is actually share it.

Work, work...........work?

2009-09-08T11:23:00.000-07:00

Today is my last day of doing nothing. Having been laid up the last few weeks because of yet another knee surgery, I'm glad that the doc has okay'd me for return to work. I had a lot of free time to do some serious thinking, but all in all I'm glad to be able to get back out there and interact with people. I actually miss the kids that I teach, but I might not give you the same answer at this time tomorrow.

As I am about to get back to work I ponder, well, work. Why do I work? What am I working for/towards? Unfortunately, for many people I'm not sure if they know the answer. Sure they'll tell you they're providing for their families, paying bills, saving for a full set of Pokemon cards, etc., but that's not really the question. This is a question of purpose, existence, time infinity. I've been sidetracked many times in my life, and probably I'll get duped into thinking about things other than what I believe are necessary, but ultimately I do have a purpose for "work." If you know me at all, you know that I believe the reason we exist is for relationship. We are here to befriend each other, serve each other, love one another. And it is for these things that I work. Yes, I do want to pay my bills and have food to eat, but even if I were not able to do those things I know I'd be able to work towards my true purpose.

I'm saddened though as time goes by and I realize that work has become more than just a way for people to support and know the community they interact with. People have turned the act work into their life's purpose. The people involved don't matter, the family they are supporting doesn't really matter, even the churches that many work for don't matter. The individual's worth has left the equation and numbers have replaced them. Those numbers can come in many ways, ranging from dollars raised and projects completed, to seats filled and this-many-whatevers-to-go. When relationships are no longer the focal point, what does any of it matter? When actual lives aren't the end point, what's the purpose of their existence?

This last weekend I was in Texas out at a ranch with a friend where he works. I was reminded by him that the point of it all isn't just work, even if that work is for the good of others. His simple challenge was to merely be obedient to God. As I talked about trying to help some people, he warned to not become arrogant about work, especially when that involves helping others. What he said makes so much sense, and if you've spent any time in probably any church, you've most likely heard the same thing many times, but like me, have forgotten the words just as quickly as they were uttered. We are to be obedient to the calling of God, and put others before (love others as) ourselves. Anything more than that will just serve to get in the way of what our life's work was intended to be.

In or Out?

2009-09-01T08:47:00.000-07:00

I used to attended a church where people began to be described as "insiders" and "outsiders." It seemed like a good idea, we all wanted people to be part of our group. I mean, isn't that one of the premises of Christianity, to bring people into the fold and help them find wholeness?

We were the insiders, those considered non-believers were outsiders. Seems to make sense enough, right? As time went on I became less and less "OK" with this way of describing what is supposed to be the body of Christ. Traditionally Christians were the outsiders. They were persecuted not just on a Roman level, but on a high school level. Proclaiming your faith through word and action definitely wasn't accepted, and people who did this were considered part of a minority group. The "church" people were the outsiders. They were weak.

In the early days of most faiths there is most likely a time of opposition or persecution. Christians were strongly opposed, then through the course of time it became the norm for many areas and then you were persecuted if you didn't believe as the system believed! The Church often forgets where it came from, and outsiders become insiders. People of the Church split from the main group and try to live holy lives, and once the group experiences some "success," they revert back to behaving like the group they initially split from. It's amazing to see how many times this has happened in the last 2000 years. The church I come from never killed anyone for not believing the same way, but we did split away from other denominations at one point. Why? We felt we had faith "more" figured out. We became "in" and proclaimed the others "out." What this seems to lead to is an attitude of arrogance, and a feeling of being "right." Is this the Gospel? Is this the message that says we are all outsiders, and nothing we can do alone can make us otherwise? I don't think it is.

Who should we be? Exactly who we are. Outsiders. If we have claimed to need the help of One greater than us, then we are obviously weak. We are outsiders. We don't have it figured out. We should never be bold enough to call those not with us "outsiders." If we do, we are just following in the footsteps of those we should have learned from. Let's continue on with our groups, let's search together for truth, let's believe together. But let's not forget our roots. We are all outsiders, we all have the same beginnings.

Take two: I'd choose ignorance.

2009-08-24T07:25:00.000-07:00

I love the old saying "Ignorance is bliss." Is there anything truer? OK, yeah there probably is, but that's beside the point. What I want to say is that I think that not only would I be happier without all of the information I now hold, but if given a choice, I'd give it all back.

Five minute pause in which I sit back and actually ponder my own rantings.

The answer is: I'm not sure what I'd choose.
Much of my life has been spent exploring the nooks and crannies of life, treating it as the greatest of English muffins (or crumpets for you Brits). So many different facets, so much unknown, the more you experience of it, the more buttery goodness can infiltrate and bring pleasure. Right? Well, I'm not so sure these days.

The world seems to tell us that knowledge=power. What does power equal? Happiness? Then why has so much of the theology that has influenced me taught that we shouldn't seek power, that we should seek to be weak, humble servants? It's all very confusing to me. The reason I contemplate all of this is because I'm left here wondering what I am to do with the knowledge that I have, because in these times it's not bringing me power, certainly not happiness.

For some reason, I've always been compelled to live life to the fullest. I never want to miss a thing. If there is something out there that will impact me, something new, especially if it involves other unfamiliar (to me) people groups, I want to get at least a taste. You see, I believe that relationships are the reason we are on this earth. We people were made for people, and that's about it. Yes, there is a lot to that, and yes, we are here for all of it. That's where the tough times seem to be happening for me. If we're here for each other, if almost all faiths are teaching the same thing, why don't we live like it? Why do we separate ourselves? Why don't we value families that we are part of, and especially the ones we have created? Why do we see a person in need, feel a bit of emotion, and then briefly wish for their situation to get better? I could go on and on with this, but it comes down to one basic way of saying it: Why do we seek to only serve ourselves when we know that it's not meant to be that way?

Now I’ll attempt to tie all of this together. I’ve seen a lot of stuff. Good. Bad. Awesome. Awful. It’s caused me to want to live forever, it’s made me never want to wake again. As for this stuff I’ve seen, I’m not sure I want it anymore. I want to be able to be happy in my neighborhood, I want to be excited about remodeling my kitchen, I want to be excited about the new gym they will build at Church. It would be great to look forward to Grey’s Anatomy, tweet about how glad I am it’s Friday, be excited about the venti sete punta quattro te’ freddo con latte i ghiaccia I just got from Starbucks. Basically, I just want to live like almost everyone around me. Unfortunately, I have knowledge. I have seen the world and it has taught me things. Things that won’t allow me peace as long I am not addressing them.

Ignorance would be bliss. I want to modify another saying that we often say so that I find it more fitting: “If only I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then.”

But I do. And I think I’ve realized that the knowledge which equals power can only equal happiness if it is used to enrich the lives of others.

Vukovar.

Time to start over

2009-08-17T12:43:00.000-07:00

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything for the consumption of others. I still write on odd pieces of paper that I encounter in my everyday life, but it’s rare that I sit down and intentionally produce anything just for the sake of production. Most things just come out of moments of inspiration, and even those seem rare as of the last year or so. Well, life has driven me down some new roads lately, and not only do I feel like writing again, some of these new roads are giving me a lot of free time! I’ll be spending much of the next six weeks sitting at home with my right leg in a machine that bends and straightens my knee repeatedly for hours on end. I’m hoping that by writing I can quench much of the desire I have to buy a handgun and totally go postal. Somehow, someway, I’m sincerely hoping that this time can be a time of growth. Good luck with that.

About a week ago I returned from a trip to Haiti, a place where some friends of mine are leading work that is helping people in a very tangible way. I spent a total of about 10 years traveling to and living in diverse areas of the world, and since moving back to the States I feel as if there has been something missing, as if I wasn’t fulfilling much of what my life was intended for. Whether the time back was meant to be a time of learning or not, I don’t know, but it has served as a time in which I have been able to reevaluate much of why I do what I do, and why I have done what I’ve done. I’m sure that in these next few weeks of writing that I’ll do a lot of reflecting and speculating, but I’ve never been like those preachers who have the next year of sermons finished a year ahead of time. There have been times where I didn’t know what I was going to speak about until minutes before my time to go on, and honestly, those were some of the best. So, I don’t know what I’ll be writing about here in the future, it will probably just depend on what has touched me during that day.

Something struck me yesterday as I sat around with some people I know, many of them older than me, and many of them quite influential in my life. As I talked to them and listened to their conversations, as I saw how they live, and as I remembered the things that I learned from them in the past, I realized that we all change. I can hear you saying “duh, of course we all change,” but I realized it in a way that I don’t think about too often. When we think of great people in our lives, people who have changed who we are at the core, we often regard them as the type of people who remain that way forever. What saddened me yesterday was the realization that a good person doesn’t necessarily always stay good, a wise old man doesn’t always remain as such. These are people who taught me about what it means to give, what sacrifice looks like, that love is a doing verb, that others come before self; basically they shaped my understanding of God in the flesh. As time went on though, I saw lives filled with desire for material things, pride that only wants to be “right”, and desires for solitude that only seem to lead to unfulfillment.

Sadness overcame me as I realized how much had changed, how much they were but mere shadows of their former selves. Then came the big one: I too had followed in their footsteps. As I sat there judging the degrees in which they’ve changed, I could ever clearer see that I am not only different from who I once claimed to be, I am different from who I once wanted to be. While often a good thing, in this case, it is not. How did this unwanted change come about? I think I’ll save that topic for another day.

I want to thank those who recently reminded me of things I cherished in the past. It wasn’t the words you spoke, it was what your actions said to me.

Hosea and Gomer

2008-01-06T20:00:00.000-08:00

Here are some questions I've been wrestling with lately:

-Is God's love for us enough?
-When we love, are we to seek love in return?

The book of Hosea (in the Bible) has always been interesting to me. I hadn’t looked at it in a while, and a friend recently brought it up in conversation. Hosea really bothers me, it’s something I’d like to never think about. Do you ever have things that you want to avoid reading or even entertaining thoughts of because you have a feeling that it means something extra special to you, that maybe you are destined in your life to live that out in some way? Well, the book of Hosea is possibly one of the best descriptions of God’s love of today’s world, and it scares me because this world is in need of love like Hosea’s.

The story starts out some thing like this:

“The first time God spoke to Hosea he said:
"Find a whore and marry her.
Make this whore the mother of your children.
And here's why: This whole country
has become a whorehouse, unfaithful to me, God." “

Now, do I feel God wants us to go marry someone whom we know will be unfaithful? I don’t know, I’m sure it’s possible. But what I do see here is that God wants us to love unconditionally, and he is using Hosea as an example of what His love for His people looks like. What does that mean? Have we ever even attempted that? If we did attempt it, and no longer love, does that mean we failed to love unconditionally?

I’m surrounded by people who have possibly never experienced real love. I’m lucky, I have a great family that has loved me though all that I have been and become. Their love for me is truly unconditional. They have done everything for me, the good things about me are definitely a result of them loving me. But the broken lives I see everyday, the children whose parents have abandoned them in search for something easier, the divorcees who once knew joy with a covenant partner only to have the covenant cheapened, (and there are so many more examples) are all people that are meant to be loved unconditionally. It seems we were created to be loved, and when we aren’t, we aren’t whole.

What seems to happen though is that we spend our energy wanting to be loved. It is often a very passive spending of energy, but if you take the time to reflect I’m sure you’ll find that seeking love in times of not feeling loved is often a very draining venture. What if we were to take that energy and seek to love instead? Without someone doing the loving, no one can ever feel loved. But if we all seek to love, we do not need to go out seeking that very thing. And when we know we are loved, don’t we seem to have an abundance of life and love for it? It’s all very clear in my head, but as I write I’m not so sure that the point is being clearly conveyed.

As God spoke to Hosea, He asked him to take a wife. He found Gomer, and I’m sure he loved her. And she probably loved him. But it wasn’t a complete, perfect love. She sought good feeling in other places, maybe more exciting, more passionate, maybe more “fun” places. But Hosea was lead to love in a way that possibly very few had loved before him. When she left, he would find her. When she was with another, he would buy her back. When she was as unfaithful as any had ever been in history, he still loved her. That’s how God created us to love, that’s how He loves us. When we are unfaithful, ungrateful, unloving, we are still loved. And when those around us are the same to us (as we all have been), we are still to love.

And I think that means without seeking to be loved back, without asking for anything in return, without holding back part of our heart in hopes of keeping it safe. It means letting it all go, risking the ultimate pain, and doing that in search of the ultimate prize: intimacy in a relationship unlike anything we’ve ever known. True love is love that gives, and in that giving, seeks to gratefully and thankfully give more.

Our plans

2007-12-31T09:26:00.001-08:00

The plans of men
Their devices to win
Their hearts just come undone.

An empty friend
Pursuits all dead
Not yet's a war been won.

_______________________________________________________

We fill our lives with empty longings. Longings for power, wants of temporary pleasure, trivial status in the eyes of those in the same boat. But what does it bring? Do I find wholeness, do I find health? We think we are traveling down a road, but more likely we are just standing in the middle of the road chasing our tail, spinning and wearing a rut in the dirt.

I don't resolve anything new for this new year. I just want to live like the person I have known I should be all along.

Intro time.

2007-12-19T17:59:00.001-08:00

Time to start writing and posting to the intranets. Why? I like dialogue, and hopefully this can be a place where a bit can happen. I also love to write and ask lots of questions while writing. Sometimes I answer them, sometimes I don't. Perhaps some of you will be the people to help me find answers.

I am just your average person, looking to explore all aspects of life, and attempting to find answers where I can, all-the-while knowing that another, better answer is just around the corner. I believe we are on this earth for each other, and that may alone be our sole purpose. But there is soooo much wound up in that little statement. What does it mean to be here for each other? That is probably what most of the writing here will revolve around.

Other cultures intrigue and excite me, as I feel we are all equal and part of a greater picture, perhaps a puzzle, in which every piece is an important piece if we are to ever find the beauty in completion. However you found your way here, I'm glad you did. Now, let's journey together and see what we find...